Trauma is Transformative

Without my Trauma I would never be where I am today, and I would have never met the love of my life, Adaline. Without sadness, happiness could not and would not exist.  We need sadness to enjoy and appreciate happiness.  Nothing lasts forever; if you are sad remember that sadness won’t last forever, no matter how much it feels like it will.  If you are happy remind yourself the happiness is also impermanent.  Appreciate the moment you are in and cherish every second of that happiness.  Have my story be a lesson to you that no matter what you are dealing with or going through, it will pass.  Time heals all wounds, just be patient with yourself and remind yourself that with time, you can get through anything.

​In August of 2018, when I was starting college, I was dealing with a lot of emotions as my girlfriend at the time broke my heart.  It is now March of 2024, and I found the following write up from 2018.  I am adding to this story and finishing it because it is important to show the progression of my mindset, and how nothing lasts forever.  How I was feeling them did not last forever as I once thought it would, and I believe this pain lead me to a brighter, happier, and more fulfilled future than I could have dreamed of:

"Highschool sucked for me.  I didn’t have many friends in school, and I was lonely.  All I had was my skateboard.  I have been skating for 8 years now and that has always been my escape.  I struggled through my early years of high school relying on my skateboard to help get me through it all.  Finally, in my sophomore year I was put onto a skateboard team which really helped me feel special.  Even though I was happier and had close skate friends to fall back to I still felt like a part of me was lost.  I had a rough time my last years in high school, and it wasn’t until my senior year when I finally gave up.  I gave up on trying to make myself happy.  I just learned to accept the fact that I will never be completely happy with just my skateboard.  I got through my first semester feeling this way excited to leave high school and start something new.  Second semester came around and I met someone.  I wouldn’t learn how much this person would impact my life until later. 

Her name was Cherry.  I struggled to grow a pair and ask her out but once I finally did it went great.  We got Panera and went back to my house and watched black mirror for a few hours until I finally made a move and kissed her.  This kiss was the beginning of the best 6 months of my life. A few weeks after our first kiss, on February 27th 2018 we continued to create a connection that I believed would last forever.  I went on for the next month talking and hanging out with Cherry scared I would ruin my only opportunity with such a beautiful, cute, nice, amazing girl.  Finally on March 24th, 2018, on her birthday I went to her house and gave her this gift I made for her.  It was a ring on a leather cord made from recycled skateboard wood.  We watched a movie on the regular TV for a while because we couldn't get Netflix to work, and I finally decided to ask her out.  To my surprise she said yes.

Each month went by better than the last.  I was finally happy. This one person was able to make me so happy, I was falling in love.  A month after we started dating, we started saying how we love each other, it may seem fast, but it was true, I loved her so much.  We hung out as much as we could and I struggled to leave her every time I had to go back home, I wanted to be with her 100% of the time.  I started getting in trouble for coming home too late and stuff, but I didn’t care I wanted to be with Cherry as much as possible.

Summer hit and everything continued to get better.  We went to my lake house, her lake house, camping, we did it all.  I loved every moment of it, but I began taking her for granted.  Like, I just expected her to never leave and always be there.  I was so lost in the love I was ignoring some of my other friends, but still found time to skate every day and hang out with Cherry.  I did anything for her, I would drive her home from parties, pick her up from parties, buy her anything she wanted (even though she paid for a lot of the stuff we did because she felt bad.) I loved her so much I didn’t care about anything besides skating and her.  We went to drive in movies and hung out every day slowly watching the time we had left tick away, the time until college.

We both knew college would be hard on our relationship I just didn’t think it would ever end like this.  I knew we could make it work as I was going to Colorado State University, and she was going to Colorado University, an hour drive apart.  The morning before I left, she came over; I made her breakfast, we drove walker to the doggie hotel, cuddled and watched friends for the last time in a few weeks.  I left, but I wasn’t that sad. I knew I’d miss her so much, but I also knew I’d see her in a few days. 

I got to college, and I didn't really like it.  I just missed my skate friends and Cherry.  I just wanted to live the rest of my life like I lived in the summer.  On Friday August 24th I was so excited I got to go see Cherry in boulder.  I woke up at 5 am and took a 2-hour bus to see her.  When I got there, I was so happy I couldn’t stop smiling and we laid in her bed and slept.  It was amazing.  We went for breakfast and talked, and I was so happy.  Before I left, I got sad because I wished it could've been like this forever and I wished I could see her all the time. 

That was the wrong wish because 1 week later the love of my life broke up with me.  She says that it was because she didn’t want our relationship to get ruined, she needed to live her own life and enjoy the college experience, and she said it was too hard for her to not see me every day.  This was devastating to hear.  I didn’t know what to do so I went home to Chicago.  I talked to her a lot after this and she thinks we’ll get back together someday and that she still wants to talk, hang out, and see me, but just doesn’t want to be in a relationship.  The real reason is my fault.  I was too invasive and didn’t give her the space she needed and once I began giving her space and finally understood what she meant she ended it.  I just miss her, and I feel like this is going to push us away from each other.  She’s going to find someone else and I’m going to be alone, still in love with the same girl.  I don’t even know what to do without her, I feel so lost.  Every day I woke up knowing I could see her or talk to her and now It's just gone. Like I don’t even see a point in living anymore, she was all I had the one person that could truly make me happy, Cherry changed my life and made it so amazing, and I just wish I could have her back. I just want to hold her in my arms like I used to.  I want her love.  “'Say you didn't see it, that I saw right through you. Say you didn't mean it that I mean nothing to you Like you said do you believe me? That I'll be right for you. Say you love me like you used to'” (rks)"

Reading this back 6 years later makes me realize how young and naïve I was.  Cherry was my first love, and I didn’t realize how to handle the situation.  You can feel the pain in each word I wrote, I truly believed there was nothing left for me and that I was going to be sad and alone forever.  I also left out some details like how before she broke up with me, I also rode the moped 2.5 hours each way to surprise her one weekend only for her to say she was too busy to hang out with me.  I was pushy and annoying. 

After I wrote this more things happened.  I continued to bug Cherry and we saw each other a few times after we broke up.  I continued to push her away by talking to her and living in the past wishing we could have what we once had.  I would send her anonymous gifts, write letters in the mail, text, and call her.  I went crazy thinking there was some way to mend the relationship.  This only made things worse.  I would pace in my dorm, crying, and so anxious I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I never knew what anxiety felt like until then.  I even got to the point where I tried to hang myself in my dorm, but the belt broke.  I also tried OD on melatonin in the attempt to go to sleep and never wake up again.  I spent every day waking up as late as possible, going skating, then to school, then going to bed as early as possible.  I slept so I didn’t have to feel the pain.

The last time I saw Cherry in person we said goodbye, I told her I love her and she said, “I love you too, but not in that way.”  Ever since then, I never talk to Cherry, except to wish her a happy birthday.  Had I not pushed her away so hard we probably could have been friends to this day. But without this experience I would never have been able to transform and learn about myself in the way I did.
5 months after the breakup a friend of mine put me on to a self-help book called “The Power of Now.”  This was the first self-help book I ever read, and it helped me begin my self-help journey.  I began reading every self-help book I could find.  I started therapy and journaling to help myself get through the self-inflicted trauma.  Second semester of college started, and I was in Geology class with some people from my dorm.  One of the girls that would sit next to me would always talk to me, but I was never very invested because I felt emotionally closed off.  Slowly over time, about 6 months later, I began opening up and talking to this girl Adaline.

One day I got Adaline’s snap chat and went on a trip to the East Coast to see my aunt who was dying of Ovarian Cancer.  That night Adaline drunk snapped me that I was cute.  I said, “I think you’re cute too.”  In the morning, she pretended like she didn’t remember what she had said, but later I found it was all a part of her plan.

I talked to Adaline every day and the first time we hung out outside of the class was in our friend’s dorm playing Mario Cart.  I told Adaline what I was going through and why I felt emotionally unavailable, and she respected that and helped me through it more than I could have ever imagined.  On February 28th, 2019, I had my first kiss with Adaline.  It was probably the most awkward kiss you could imagine.  We were watching Netflix in her dorm, and I closed the laptop.  She opened it and I closed it again.  She opened it and said something like “what are you doing,” and I responded, “I am not very good at this.”  To this day we still talk about our first kiss as it was funny to look back on.

Month of talking and hanging out with Adaline went by and we finally started saying “I love you” to each other as friends, we were not officially dating.  Adaline says I love you to all her friends, but I needed some time.  I knew she would say it back once I was ready.  After 4 months of hanging with Adaline every day, it wasn’t until her sorority formal that I said I love you to her.

In the midst of this new relationship, I broke my ankle so I couldn’t skate.  While that sent my depression to another low, I now had a new friend to lean on and help me through my hardship.  Adaline cared for me and was there for me every step of the way.  I would be crying to her, and she would be there to listen.  To be honest, I am not sure why she liked me, I sounded like was a complete train wreck.  I was still reading every self-help book I could find to get through my trauma.  I always told Adaline how I was feeling, and told her I didn’t want to date because I was still in love with my ex.  I didn’t feel right dating someone else while still loving my ex, it felt inconsiderate to Adaline, and I didn’t want to hurt her like I had been hurt.

One whole year after hanging out with Adaline we both went on study abroad journey to Europe.  Adaline was in Torino, and I was in Barcelona.  We would travel and hang out together on the weekends and go back to our respective countries during the week for school.  The first few weeks in Barcelona were tough.  I had never left the continent before, so I was alone in a foreign country.  On top of that my grandpa had passed away, which made it even harder for me.  I started to get comfortable with Barcelona and solo traveling and continued my self-help journey.  One weekend I went to Paris with Adaline, and we were walking beneath the Eiffle Tower watching it light up and glisten.  I expressed an apology to Adaline for having to deal with my emotional wreck and that I don’t want her to feel like I am holding her up in any way.  I told her I would love to date her when I am ready, but I do not want to make her wait.  We still joke about her response because she told me that she didn’t ever want to date, and she was just having fun.  That thought hurt a bit, but I understood, it did not affect our relationship and we continued to see each other and talk all the time.

I went back to Barcelona and finally had a breakthrough. After the hundreds of books that I read I realized that you never have to stop loving someone.  See the below text written in the winter of 2020: “Regardless of how much someone hurt you, you never have to stop loving them. Just because someone broke your heart doesn’t mean you have to stop loving or caring for them.   Love had no bounds, no constraints, it flows between people. The biggest thing that has helped me is trying to realize that nothing is permanent, and that I can still love my ex even though she “loves me, but not in that way”. Your love for them doesn’t need to fade, you are not constrained to loving just one person.  For me, I would still do anything for my ex, I still love her so much, and it does still really hurt to see her with someone else.  Many times, I feel as if she has just completely forgotten who I am, but now after doing a lot of self-work I have learned to attempt to sit with my emotions and understand why I am feeling this way. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel, it’s just best to try to not dwell on those thoughts and to focus on living in the present. It is really hard to stay present, but I find it is definitely helpful. When I sit with my emotions, I tell myself it’s ok, I’m happy she’s happy, and I still love her and if she ever needs me, I’ll be here. Even if I were in another relationship, I’d still be there for her because that’s what friends do. Just because they broke up with you doesn’t mean your friendship and love has to disappear for them. Even if they don’t talk to you and you don’t want to talk to them because you’re afraid of bothering them (me) you can still be there for them. Be there to offer your unending love if they ever need it. I have no idea why I am writing this, but I have really only dated 1 girl. She broke up with me a year and a half ago, kind of out of nowhere right when we moved to college when we had planned to stay together. Since August 29th 2018 (day she broke my heart) I have read many self-help books to try and better understand myself and why I feel the way I do. Today I had a rough day and found this sub reddit so decided to just write about what I’ve learned and how I feel as of right now. I still think about her every day, the thought hurts way less and causes way less anxiety than it first did, although some photos of her still hurts just as bad. I have a new “friend” I met but we’re not officially together because I need a little more time to better understand myself which gratefully, she understands. Anyway, my only advice would be to love everyone unconditionally, recognize that nothing is permanent, and try not to dwell on your emotions, sit with them, recognize them, but don’t dwell in the past, try to focus on staying present. That’s all, I’m assuming no one is reading this but I wrote this for me and if you are reading this, I hope that any one word I wrote may help you better understand your true self.”

This realization provoked a new beginning in me and allowed me to finally move through my emotions.  I finally started making progress and had the first few full days where I didn’t think of Cherry.  On a trip to Switzerland one weekend, Adaline, Maddy and I were in Zermatt when we heard the news that Trump would be closing the boarders due to COVID.  We rushed out of Zermatt and back to Geneva so that we could fly back to Spain to pack up our stuff and fly home.  Maddy went back to the U.S. and Adaline, and I stayed the night in Geneva before going back to Spain.  We had to cancel our Northern light trip to Norway, and we were now alone in Switzerland together.  Finally, in the Airbnb on March 13th, 2020, I asked Adaline to be my girlfriend.  I finally felt emotionally available after a year and a half of working through my emotions. I finally was able to move through them, fully investing myself into Adaline.
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Adaline and I spent the next 4 years of our relationship traveling the world, finishing college, learning, and growing as a couple.  We had our own share of problems that we worked through together further strengthening our relationship.  On November 28th, 2021, we had the opportunity to finish what we started, and we got to see the Northern Lights in Norway.  I am so grateful for all the trauma Cherry caused me (or maybe more accurately, trauma I caused myself).  Without the Trauma I would never be where I am today, and I would have never met the love of my life, Adaline. Without sadness, happiness could not and would not exist.  We need sadness to enjoy and appreciate happiness.  Nothing lasts forever; if you are sad remember that sadness won’t last forever, no matter how much it feels like it will.  If you are happy remind yourself the happiness is also impermanent.  Appreciate the moment you are in and cherish every second of that happiness.  Have my story be a lesson to you that no matter what you are dealing with or going through, it will pass.  Time heals all wounds, just be patient with yourself and remind yourself that with time, you can get through anything.

Thank you, Adaline, for being always being there for me since day 1.  As you can see you changed my life.  You have helped me learn from my mistakes and grow from them.  Without you I have no idea where I would be.  I love you to the top of the tree and back and I cannot wait to see where else life will take us.  I hope someday I can return the favor and help you like you helped me.  Happy 4-year anniversary.